How an argument starts

   While anger comes in all shapes and sizes, the roots of arguments often stem from similar reasons, inside and out.

   “Disagreements as a whole, not just with students but in life, usually the conflict is there because of either poor communication or lack of communication,” Woebke states.

   But where does the feeling of anger come from? According to psychology teacher Fred Holtz, that feeling comes from a layer of emotions and physical responses.

   “[It comes from] That feeling of threat, and also a feeling of helplessness,” Holtz says. “It’s one thing to have a threat, but if it’s a threat you know how to deal with, then it doesn’t make you angry. But if it’s a threat and you also don’t have the resources, you just don’t know what to do about it. You have no control over the situation. Then we get angry.”

   While the sensations of anger are quite similar for everyone, the reactions that take place vary from person to person.

   “Your ideas of how to argue [are] determined a lot by people’s past,” Holtz states. “What have they seen? How did their grown ups argue? When they turn on the TV, what do they see? And they learn ‘Oh, if you’re mad, this is what you do.’”

   Anger can come in all shapes and sizes. While some may have more of an internal response, others may have a more reactive response.

   “I usually stop talking whether it is to a particular person or just in general,” said a senior student. “I think this is because withdrawing allows me to cope with the situation.” 

How arguments affect things

   Arguments can have both a positive and negative effect on the relationships they occur in, as well as social situations. On one hand, arguing can help you develop important social skills.

   “Some conflict is good because it teaches us how to be self advocates, and that’s a skill that’s going to take you far in life,” says counselor Jen Woebke. “I think it’s important that we also realize that not everyone is a mind reader, so if you aren’t telling people how things made you feel, then the other person doesn’t know how it made you feel.”

   However, arguments can also negatively affect relationships when they are gone about the wrong way.

   “You have to learn [how to argue] sooner rather than later, so it doesn’t become impactful and harmful,” health teacher Connie Kuhn states. “At the end of the day, arguing itself is not a bad thing. It’s how we go about arguing and the fact that a lot of people don’t listen and put themselves in someone else’s shoes, they just want to get their point across”

   Oftentimes the way we handle arguments does not always work out the way we wanted to. Learning how to argue  will help us in those situations.

   “I got into a fight with a friend and I was silent about the way they hurt me and I ghosted them,” said a senior student. “I thought the best solution was to just ignore them and the problems and move on and we ended the friendship.”

    There is also a time and a place for arguments, and choosing the wrong space can negatively affect the outcome of the conflict at hand.

   “There’s a place and a time and a way to go about doing things and the classroom definitely isn’t a place,” Kuhn says. “Some of these students aren’t learning how to communicate effectively and so we do need to be teaching it as many times as possible.”

Signs an argument is getting out of hand

   Oftentimes when arguments get too heated, people find themselves doing and saying things that ultimately negatively impact the situation. 

   “It got out of hand because we were both trying to win the argument instead of resolve it peacefully,” said a senior student. “It didn’t really get resolved because I just walked away. I totally would not have handled it the same way.”

   What’s important, according to Kuhn, is figuring out how to take control of that situation.

   “I think we’re all human,” Kuhn says. “Sometimes [you find yourself] being reactive, like not taking all the time to just pause [and] gather your thoughts before you engage in a conversation, and sometimes becom[ing] even the other way where [you] need to pause and kind of step away from the situation.”

   Arguments can get out of hand for many reasons, but Leach finds that one of the main reasons may be due to the people at the center of it.

   “Sometimes the way that people are raised based on their personal morals and ethics that are very valuable and important to [them],” Leach states. “We don’t want to go against those and you shouldn’t have to.Maybe based on personality, people are kind of butting heads on somethings, and so that plays into it. And so sometimes those kind of combine and play into [the situation].”

   Ultimately the goal is to always solve heated arguments, preferably between the two parties at hand. However, the best tactic is usually not to attempt to make resolutions in the moment.

   “There’s the saying ‘we’re going to have to agree to disagree’,” Leach says. “The hope is that we would be able to work through things but it doesn’t always work that way. That goes back to us being individuals. We’re not always going to get along as people [or] agree on everything, and that’s okay. That’s what makes us unique.”

   However, sometimes people are not able to walk away from the situation, causing the situation to become even more heated.

   “I was talking to a group of Europeans about America,” said a senior student. “They believed that Americans were stupid and had a bunch of stereotypes about us. I had grown tired of their mean comments and fought back. After months of dealing with the problem of their comments I finally bursted. I was so upset at that point.”

   Sometimes invoking a mutual ‘truce’ doesn’t smooth things out as well as one likes, and in that situation it is sometimes best to get a trusted third party involved. Typically for students that would be a counselor or an administrator. 

   “It’s important that students know that we’re here to help and that we’re not here to get anybody in trouble,” Woebke states. “[We’re here to] just offer a space where everyone can be heard and respected. The ultimate goal is to lead the conversation with an understanding and a mutual feeling.”

How to resolve arguments

   Arguments in itself are an art, according to health teacher Connie Kuhn. Resolving arguments is also a skill that takes time for us to learn, and while some might not be willing to, it positively impacts both parties in the long run.

   “You need to train your brain to think outside the box [in] multiple perspectives,” states Kuhn. “It’s great for your mental, intellectual health and wellness to just be able to see both sides of something.”

   The part of the brain that is responsible for decision making and impulse control known as the prefrontal cortex does not develop until the age of 25. Because of this, teenagers have more trouble handling arguments. However health classes at THS teach students specifically how to handle arguments so that they will be more prepared as their brain develops.

   “I tell my students, you can’t use [the prefrontal cortex] as an excuse, but it’s all the more reason to try even harder to become an effective communicator and an effective problem solver,” says Kuhn. “You are wiring your brain in a way in which if you put extra time and effort into it now, you will be an effective decision maker and problem solver as an adult.”

   Some people prefer solving arguments as soon as possible as it helps them develop their relationship and move on about their day.

   “I like solving [arguments] to try and fix whatever problems we could have,” said a senior student. “Sometimes they get better and sometimes they don’t.”

   However, the other party may not be willing to resolve arguments and that is okay. According to Woebek, students may need time to clear their minds before diving into the subject at hand. Woebek has also found that students may not be willing to work things out due to changes in the relationship.

   “It’s not uncommon for friendship groups to change, and that’s okay too,” says Woebek. “It’s okay to not be friends with the people that you used to be friends with, but I think it’s always important to treat people with respect.”

   Every student has probably experienced a rift in a friendship at some point during their 4 years of high school. One student has experienced it frequently.

   “I drop close to all my friends each year and find new ones,” said a senior student. 

   While resolving arguments can improve relationships by establishing boundaries, they can also negatively affect relationships when handled poorly.

   “It’s important to not get a bunch of people involved in stuff that they’re not initially involved in,” states Woebek. “We’re quick to go to our friends and talk about others based on a situation that happened to us by that person. But I think that if we can remember the more people we involve, the messier it tends to get, [then] it will ease some of the beef and tension.”